Forgiving Yourself

Both For Getting Into Scientology and Who or What You Left Behind

This post is a continuation in the series of ways to help yourself recover after leaving Scientology.

Scientology is a snitch culture. They focus strongly on making sure you feel responsible for everything that went wrong in a situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it in reality. Once you leave, it’s easy to hold onto the guilt feelings. But that is neither healthy or realistic.

The minute you walk away from Scientology, the people left behind will point a finger at you as the reason everything was going wrong. But, hold your head high, because they have a short memory.

As a matter of fact, if you think about it, you’ll be able to recall the person who left before you. And you will remember that they were the person who was responsible for everything that was going wrong when they left. And it will continue to be that way.

There are still days when I look back at my days in Scientology and I think “I can’t believe I was dumb enough to fall for that.” Well, I was. But so were many others. Then the inevitable thought process goes to the people you convinced to join up.

With the exception of your immediate family, it’s likely that most people would have joined with or without your encouragement if they are members. And beating yourself up over the past will not change it.

As for your children or other family who may still be in, that is a bit trickier. By the time you leave Scientology, it is probable that you left because you understand that is the only choice you have. It is no longer viable for you to pretend that you are ok staying. Sometimes it’s almost a life saving measure.

Leaving behind your family and/or friends is a choice that you didn’t make lightly, if that is what you did. But you didn’t stop loving them. Scientology will force them to turn on you. That will be painful. They will be forced to do or say hurtful things to or about you. That is what they have to do to stay in good standing with Scientology.

This is meant to make you feel guilty or even make you come back because you feel so bad. But it seldom works. Even if you feel guilty, there’s little chance you want to go back.

And, if you did choose to go back, if you choose to do what it takes to get back in good standing, it will not be how you think it is going be. Going back will always leave a cloud over your head. You will be a pariah. You will never ever be trusted fully. You will always be a second class citizen. You will be constantly monitored and reminded of the fact you left at every turn.

So you’re better off ignoring the slights. And getting on with life. Alexander Barnes-Ross had several smear videos done against him. After each one, he responded kindly about the person. Here’s an example of him responding to a hate video a woman named Natalie did against him.

In Scientology, the focus is on blame. It was a rude awakening for me after I left Scientology to realize that the people I had believed were my friends were simply acquaintances. The only thing we had in common was Scientology. And even that was not a common thread.

By definition though, Scientologists are not allowed to talk about their shared experiences. Any Scientologist knows they can’t discuss their case. They can’t say what happened in their auditing session. Or even what certain auditing is about.

The same is true with training. Even on the same course, no two Scientologists are doing the same thing. They are working on their check sheets. They may twin with another student for certain drills. But they know better than to ask the dreaded “what does that mean” question. And they also know that to explain something to someone else is considered verbal tech.

Confidences are not shared between Scientologists the way they are in the real world. A confidence shared with a Scientologist, even your spouse, is likely to lead to punishment. Therefore there is not really a trust built.

It’s also a dog eat dog world in Scientology. A person who is unkind to you in Scientology is not necessarily an unkind person. I know I was not kind in Scientology. That’s what we were programmed to be, mean and uncaring. And I wish I even knew all the people I was callous to while in. But I was also fighting for survival. And so were the people who were being mean to me.

Leaving Scientology, it takes a while to realize that the people you thought were your friends were acquaintances at best. And it takes even longer to trust someone with your secrets. But conversely, you’ve been conditioned to tell everything so you feel obliged to say more than necessary. Especially to people in authority.

Add all this confusion to the fact that you walked away and it’s easy to just blame yourself and feel guilty. But that’s not good. You need to be kind. Both to yourself and to those you leave behind. You had very good reasons for leaving. And they too may leave some day. Do not let your anger at how you were treated by them in Scientology color your feelings.

Give yourself the grace to know you were there and hope they too can find a way out. As long as you allow yourself to blame yourself or Scientology for what happened to you in the past, you can’t move forward.

The past is a heavy load to carry on your back. At some point, you need to give yourself permission to set it down, examine it, and look to the future. Despite what you were programmed to believe in Scientology. It is not all your fault.

For Paid Subscribers

Later today, you will be receiving copies of letters L. Ron Hubbard wrote to the FBI trying to get them to use “The Brainwashing Manual” that you last saw, in their Training.

As an aside, The Brainwashing Manual was the very first thing we trained on in the Guardian’s Office. Hubbard thought it was important information for his cadre of spies.