Life and Death

Scientology Detrius Fallout

In life there are generally not do overs if you mess up. You get stuck with the detritus of the life decisions you made and you deal with the fallout. It’s not just an easy cleanup then you get to move on with your life

Today, some of that detritus of decades old decisions is floating back into my life. I’m still cleaning up old messes I made because I chose Scientology years ago.

Here’s some background: Approximately six months ago, my daughter’s mother-in law, Elaine, died. The woman was a drug addict, she had had a leg amputated years ago and was a burden on the family to some degree or another for the last ten years.

On the other hand, the woman did remain a part of the family her entire life. She knew her grandchildren. Much to my daughter’s consternation, she called my daughter’s children “her little angels.” I was around Elaine enough to understand just how bad it was sometimes. But she always showed up.

When Elaine died, she was on machines for several days before they finally turned them off. Her husband, in early stages of dementia, had a hard time making the decision. By the time they turned the machines off, Elaine’s remaining leg was gangrenous and she was basically rotting to death. Not a pretty death.

A week or so after her death, my daughter called me at 2am crying hysterically. She couldn’t understand why she was so upset. We talked for about an hour that night and discussed that grief didn’t make sense, but that it was really alright for her to grieve the death of a woman who had been a part of her life all those years.

She decided that she needed to make some kind of fragile peace with her father so she didn’t have guilt when he died. She has had a couple of conversations with him since then. In her words, they were “just bizarre.” Apparently he has been telling her he and his wife are hosting yoga retreats in Bali and they are doing really well. He hasn’t left the house in quite some time.

My daughter called me tonight to tell me her brother had called about her father. He had a massive stroke last night and several more after he got to the hospital. He’s on a feeding tube in the hospital.

My daughter called to see if I thought she should fly out to see him to say goodbye. Here’s the dilemma. This is the way she asked it: “why do I feel like I need to go say goodbye to a man who basically ignored me my whole life?” How am I supposed to answer that?

Why indeed? I explained to her that she didn’t need the guilt of not having said goodbye to him. But now I need to know. As her mother, how do I not feel guilt for having made the choice to join a cult 50 years ago? I made the right decision raising my children in a single parent home and away from Scientology and yet the fallout from those 50-year old decisions continues to haunt me today. 

I have to put my guilt feelings aside right now. Her father is probably dying, although he may not. He’s survived massive heart attacks and more. But in my struggle to separate my guilt for ever allowing this man to be a part of my life, I need to remind myself that he is the father of my two children, who are the foundation of entire my universe. No matter who he is or what he has done in his life, he is the reason they exist. I would never ever want that to be any different. I do hope they can find the peace they need to say goodbye to him without blame and anger.

I just looked at the date today and laughed. Had we stayed married (we divorced after 7 years of pure hell) we would be celebrating our 48th wedding anniversary. That’s a lot of healing years in between. I’m not sure how I would have felt about him had he died sooner.