It Gets Harder to Pretend

Faking Enthusiasm Is Exhausting

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As a Scientologist, the main thing that is required of you is that you are always “uptone.” Based on Hubbard’s Tone Scale, this actually gives a person a very small range of emotions. I covered the tone scale before in a detailed post, and it is also covered in my glossary. If you haven’t read those articles, it might help if you check those out first.

But, in short, in Scientology, anything that Scientology deems to be antagonism and below on the tone scale are considered minus emotions. I’m including the tone scale graphic here so you can see just how limited the emotions are that Scientologists are allowed to exhibit. Monotony, Boredom, Disinterested, Contented, Conservatism, Strong Interest, Cheerfulness, Enthusiasm; yeah, those were ok to experience. But they were just not minus emotions.

A good Scientologist, one who is doing their best, will, of course, only display the plus emotions: Exhilaration, Action, Postulates, Games and Serenity of Beingness. Yes, that is right. Do not ever ever show any sign of anything below what. And seriously, read the tone scale, study it. See what Hubbard thought of grief, etc. A person was not allowed to have those emotions, even if they did.

Before I even left ASHO, while I was still supervising the American Saint Hill Briefing Course, before I became a spy at the FBI, I was beginning to have a hard time pretending that I was even happy, much less exhilarated, yada yada yada. I mean, most days, my actual tone was somewhere between exhaustion with a good side dose of abject terror. And let’s not forget to throw in that I was on an enforced starvation diet by virtue of being one of the elite of the elite of Scientology Sea Organization. Yet I was forced to stand there with an audience of students who expected me to know things I hadn’t ever studied, and be a cheery beacon of hope.

But honestly, looking back on it, I am shocked that I managed to get out of bed every day. Some days when doing my hair and makeup these days, I think back on those days and wonder If I even brushed my hair back then. I know I showered the night before, so I probably didn’t smell fresh as a daisy. I always tried to have semi-clean sheets. I hope my laundry was mostly clean. But I really don’t know how I looked those days. I don’t remember how my grooming was. I didn’t wear makeup, and cut my own hair if it bothered me. I am shocked I was so upset when I was unceremoniously thrown out of ASHO.

I do know that I slept well for the first time in a few months that night that a student let me sleep at her house before I went back to face the music. Yes. I slept well after I had been kicked out on the street and didn’t have a clue where I was going to go the next day, no idea what my future was. Why did I sleep well? Because the next day, I knew I didn’t have to pretend. I figured I’d be told I was horrible, and that was ok.

Yet, I went back the next day they didn’t tell me I was horrible and then I started pretending again. It’s amazing how much your mind takes control of your body when you are in certain situations. Learning that no is an acceptable word was one of the hardest lessons after I left. Learning that I could be sad was another. Sometimes I still forget. Being programmed to pretend is hard to forget.