Over Christmas, Alex Barnes-Ross and I did a little back and forth spreading the cheer conversation. As seems to be the case with most conversations with Alex, his empathy astounds me. Having been a Scientologist himself, he understands the brain shrapnel involved in leaving.
In the last livestream we did, he was able to take me deeper in my feelings. No other livestream has taken me that deep so far. At one point, we discussed my ex mother-in-law and her callous comment regarding her son beating me. The comment was “well she must have done something to deserve it.”
That comment buried itself in my heart. I’ve carried a resentment for her for over 40 years for the thing she said. Alex, while understanding how I felt, pointed out that she was a Scientologist when she said that. As a Scientologist, it was what she was programmed to say. Especially since she was auditing on OT VII when she said it.
That one comment from Alex gave me the freedom to release the darkness in my heart. I held it against a woman who died of a brain tumor in 1998. She had left Scientology before she died. She had even sued them. Yet I held that one comment against her. I don’t know if she even remembered saying it. I didn’t ever ask her.
After that livestream, I posted a comment on my blog about that podcast. I made a blanket apology. I apologized to those I had unknowingly hurt through my words and actions. This occurred while I was under the influence of Scientology.
Alex, when texting me over Christmas said (requoted with his permission, emphasis added):
“You have been very brave in speaking out and sharing your story and I think in doing so you have helped more people than you realise. ❤️ I know it couldn’t have been easy, but I (and I’m sure so many others) appreciate it more than I think you can imagine. But please don’t forget: Scientology changes everything about you – right down to your very core. They tricked you, lied to you and deceived you. We are all victims and it’s a sign of strength that you are one of the very few who has been able to rise up and stand up against the evil organisation that is Scientology.”
Alex is right. Scientology changes you to your core. That’s the hardest thing to remember after leaving. If a person is lucky, they recognize what Scientology did to them. They work to combat the mind shrapnel implanted in them. Some people don’t recover. They are angry that they were duped and remain angry rather than moving past that.
Others, myself included, continue to hold grudges. We hold these grudges against someone influenced by the same programming that made me act similarly. Letting go of feeling like someone who has also left Scientology purposely hurt you is so freeing. Expecting a personal apology is not something you can expect or require of anyone.
Honestly, each person in Scientology is so embedded in their own personal hell. A lot of times, they don’t even realize the collateral damage they cause by their actions. To expect an apology from someone who was as brainwashed as you is, quite frankly, counterproductive.
Alex pointed out that my ex mother in law was also brainwashed. This realization allowed me to quit feeling she had wronged me. It was not her. It was Scientology.
This is not saying that everyone in Scientology should be given a pass for what they do. However, do yourself a favor. If you escape Scientology, do not allow those who hurt you to continue doing it. And when someone else leaves, you are not required to embrace them if they hurt you. You, too, deserve to heal.
I’m still taking baby steps in my healing. I hope others reading this can take it to heart so they don’t make my mistakes.
Leave a Reply