Silent Fights

Avoiding Engrams the Hubbard Way

This post is in response to the December 26, 2024 poll. Be sure to get your votes in on the first poll of 2025 now. TW: This post covers DV and will be a bit graphic. If this is triggering to you, please skip this one.

“If only I could see it coming it would be easier.” That’s what I’d tell myself. I sat there quietly. I tried my best not to react to his latest outburst. His fists would pummel me and I’d sit there. If it got really bad, a traitorous tear might escape. But no sobs, no words. The fight would continue silently.

Why didn’t I react?

Well, because that’s what I was supposed to do. Hubbard’s teachings say that any noise made during a painful experience become part of the engram. He defined an engram as “A mental image of a memory that contains pain, unconsciousness and a threat of survival.”

According to Hubbard, you needed to be silent during life threatening situations to avoid having noise associated with the moment. If a person later heard that noise, they would react the same way they did during the situation.

Yes, you read that right. Hubbard stressed that when painful things were happening, you were to remain silent. This was so that no words in the future would bring back the memory of that pain. However, there were three more reasons.

The second reason was that I was pregnant. I couldn’t risk him hitting me somewhere that would cause pain to the baby. If I was making noise when he did that, it would give the baby an engram.

Reason number three was the neighbors. In my mind, I believed that it not in my best interests to let anyone know he was hurting me. I felt that way because I knew I would be the one in trouble if I told on him.

Scientology is that sick. They accuse the person who got the beating of having done something to “pull it in.” My mother-in-law actually told her daughter, “She must have done something to deserve it.” Her daughter shared this when she told her mother about watching me being beaten.

This wasn’t actually even my mother in laws fault. She, too, was protecting herself. In Scientology, it was best to toe the line. It was always the other guy’s fault. If it wasn’t, that made it yours.

And the big reason is he quit faster. I remember him saying “fight back, damn you.” I’d just sit there doing nothing. He would get tired of no response and walk away. “Fuck you, you’re so worthless, you’re not worth hitting.”

This gives insight into the complex thought process of someone experiencing abuse. This in no way encompasses all of the life. But. …

I was forced by Scientology to remain silent. I left in silence. I spent years after my departure silent. This didn’t help me. Or anyone else. I’m learning it’s ok to say I’m hurt. I’m learning to fight back. And I’m speaking out. This is still happening behind closed doors in Scientology. My case was not unique. I’m through being gagged.